Raining Sheep
by Follow-The-Firefly
Summary: In which Vexen's experiment goes horrifically awry. Vexen-centric crack!fic. ONESHOT Rated T for slight suggestive themes and Axel's swearing. Written for StarzXAndXMoon


**Disclaimer: If I owned Kingdom Hearts, don't you think that Vexen would never have existed?**

**Hey! It's Xero! I'm on my Christmas break, so I actually have time to write stuff! This story is for StarzXAndXMoon since she wanted this to be in TSTNW, but I couldn't find a place to put it in. I rather like this as a oneshot, though. Ah well. Let the deadly tale begin!**

Now you may be wondering what this story is going to be about just by reading the title. I mean, come on! Raining Sheep? What is this, a crack fic?

Actually, that's exactly what this is, my friend.

Now don't run off just yet. Sure, this may seem very unorthodox, but my regular readers know that I am rather unorthodox myself, so why should my writing be any different? My regular readers also know that I loathe Vexen with a passion and rejoiced when Axel burnt him to a crisp in _Chain of Memories_.

That being said, I like to torture Vexen as much as humanly possible. This would explain why so many of his experiments go wrong, such as the one that was meant to personify kitchen tables.

This story is, in a sense, a day in the life of the Chilly Academic himself, a story which I swore I would never write. Just like I swore I'd never write a Saïx and Axel pairing story. But guess what, people? I'm doing it! Both, actually.

This is going to be the death of me.

But enough with the ridiculous intro. Let's get this story started, huh?

The curtain opens on this sordid story with Vexen in the Lab, where he can be found nearly twenty-four hours of the day. On this particular day, the Chilly Academic had woken up at three in the morning, anxious to work on his experiment.

Keep in mind that Vexen is like me in a sense: he has so many ideas in his head, it's not even funny. Believe me, I have video ideas on sticky-notes on my wall in my dorm room.

I'm not kidding.

This experiment in particular was an attempt to bring Martin Luther King Jr. back from the dead. Don't ask me why he was doing this, I'm not sure of it myself. In any case, Vexen was at his Lab Table (those of you who read _Organization XIII: The Side That Never Was_ understand why pretty much everything in this sodding story will be capitalized) with many dangerous and flammable chemicals before him when he heard a knock at the door.

"State your name and purpose."

Typical Vexen. Always thinking that someone's out to get him.

Now that I think about it, I'd love to storm into the Lab and run a stake through him, but that's just me.

"It's me, babe." Marluxia. Of course.

"You do not come bringing any toxic and hazardous substances, do you?" Vexen, being the paranoid Nobody that he is, was obsessed with anything getting into his Lab.

"Of course not." Marluxia sounded annoyed, as I'm sure any sane person would be. "Do I ever?"

"All right, come in." Vexen sighed, though secretly happy that his boyfriend had thought to visit him down in the frigid Lab That Never Was That Resembles Siberia.

The door opened and Marluxia walked in, taking no notice to the sub-zero temperature in the room. Then again, Marluxia is in the Lab so often that he has to be used to it by now.

"How's the experiment going?" Marluxia asked, wrapping his arms around Vexen's waist.

"Not well." Vexen scowled at the chemicals and various lab equipment before him.

"What's wrong with it?" Marluxia frowned, resting his chin on Vexen's shoulder.

"I haven't a clue." Vexen said. He looked at Marluxia and said, "What do you want, babe?"

"Sex." Marluxia grinned.

"I'm working, Marluxia!" Vexen exclaimed. "Can we do this later?"

"But I'm in the mood right now, Vexen." Marluxia whined.

"Later, okay?" Vexen said. "I still need to work on that grenade for Zexion."

"Grenade for Zexion?" Marluxia frowned. "What does he need a grenade for?"

"Don't ask me." Vexen shrugged. "All I know is that Xemnas told Zexion that he needed to use a grenade in the Space Paranoids for his mission."

"That doesn't sound good." Marluxia released Vexen from his grip and said, "Okay. I'll see you later, babe."

"Later, Marluxia." Vexen said as Marluxia walked out of the room.

It wasn't long, however, before another intrusion entered the Lab in the form of Axel. The Flurry of Dancing Flames was shivering quite violently, which shouldn't surprise anyone. Seriously now, a fire manipulator in a room that resembled the Ross Ice Shelf? What do _you _think would happen?

"What now, Axel?" Vexen sighed as he abandoned his former experiment and started to work on the grenade.

"One, my room is _freezing_." Axel said, the peridot eyes slits as he glared at Vexen.

"So make a fire in the middle of the floor." Vexen shrugged. "What else?"

"Mansex says that there's a meeting." Axel said, leaning against a cabinet with a toxic contents sign in bright orange letters.

"I do hope you know that's not his name." Vexen said, setting down the screwdriver he'd been holding.

"Oh, I know." Axel said. "Roxas and I have been calling him that for years now."

"Oh, I'm sure you have." Vexen said as he followed Axel out of the Lab.

* * *

The white-wash walls of the Room Where Nothing Gathers were looking strangely enticing to the members of Organization XIII as they suffered through the meeting, listening to Xemnas' monotonous voice droning on and on about Kingdom Hearts. At least, that's what it looked like at a first glance. Many of the members were staring at the walls of the room, bored out of their minds.

"So who wants to bring up something?" Xemnas asked as he looked out to the masses.

"My tampons are missing again." Larxene said, sending a death glare in the direction of Demyx.

"Demyx..." Xaldin said slowly, his eyes resting on the Melodious Nocturne.

"I didn't take them!" Demyx protested.

"But you did the last time." Zexion didn't look up from his copy of _Nuclear Weapons For The Modern Man._

"But that doesn't mean that I took them this time!" Demyx glared at his boyfriend.

"But you probably did." Xion said, brushing her hair from her cerulean eyes.

"Does anyone know where Larxene's tampons are?" Xemnas asked in the voice that one uses when they don't care about the subject at hand.

"I think I might have seen them in the Lounge." Lexaeus said in an offhand manner.

"Now why would they be there?" Larxene asked.

"I just saw a box of tampons there." Lexaeus shrugged.

"Interesting..." Vexen said slowly.

"And why is that interesting, Vexen?" Axel raised an eyebrow.

"Because I am wondering how they got there, Axel." Vexen said, green eyes on Axel.

"Does it really matter, Vexen?" Luxord asked, sounding like he was just about to become sober for the first time that day.

"Of course it does, Luxord!" Vexen exclaimed.

"Does anyone have anything else they'd like to bring up?" Xemnas asked.

"Nope." Roxas shook his head, eager to get back to his game of _Mario Party _with Demyx and Xion.

"So let's call it a day, ay?" Axel suggested.

"I second that." Saïx said.

"All right, let's adjourn this meeting." Xemnas said.

"Here here!" Marluxia exclaimed as he jumped off of his incredibly high seat and onto the cold tile floor below.

* * *

A few hours later, Vexen was working on mutating an eel and a platypus in the Lab That Never Was while listening to Cher on the giant stereo system. So far, he wasn't having very much luck. The eel kept electrocuting the platypus, leaving the seemingly duck-like animal dead in its cage. So the Chilly Academic was forced to keep replacing the platypus.

Somehow, Vexen was able to manipulate the eel so that it would not electrocute the platypus. Right around this time, Vexen realized that he needed something, something so important that not even Xemnas could interfere.

Sex.

Instantaneously, Vexen stormed out of the Lab and marched up to the Conservatory on the Roof Where Nothing Should Gather But Things Do Gather Anyway and found Marluxia trimming the rosebushes.

"What's going on, Vexen?" Marluxia asked, his blue eyes looking up at his boyfriend.

"I want sex." Vexen proclaimed.

"You do, do you?"Marluxia said. "I'm a tad busy right now."

"You wanted sex about three hours ago!" Vexen exclaimed.

"But that was three hours ago, Vexen." Marluxia said simply.

"But-" Vexen protested.

"How about tonight?" Marluxia offered. "That seems like a good time for the both of us."

"It'll have to be your room." Vexen said, brushing his hair from his eyes. "Larxene's going to be gone on her mission."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Marluxia wondered.  
"Well, we never get this opportunity, Marluxia." Vexen explained.

"Fair enough, babe." Marluxia said. "Meet me in my room at ten, okay?"

"Sounds good." Vexen said, walking out of the humid greenhouse-esque Conservatory.

Feeling slightly depressed about losing the opportunity of sex with his boyfriend, Vexen went down to the Lab to start a new experiment: a weather machine.

Xemnas had grown rather tired of the non-existent weather of the World That Never Was. That being said, the Superior had asked Vexen to create a weather machine so that the epic World could experience hail, tornadoes, hurricanes and any other deadly weather status known to mankind. Vexen knew that Demyx excited for the first tsunami, but IV was going to install it into the programming. After all, who wants a bunch of dripping wet Nobodies terrorizing the worlds? I know I don't.

So Vexen went down to his Lab and got all of the equipment ready. After tinkering for about a quarter of an hour, Vexen finished the machine.

"Well, I do believe that this is the quickest experiment that I have ever finished!" Vexen exclaimed proudly.

Realizing that he might as well test this marvellous contraption, IV walked over to the bulky machine, pressed a few buttons and turned a few knobs, and waited.

* * *

Demyx was in the Game Room That Should Not Be on the twelfth floor of the illustrious Castle, playing _The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ on the Wii when he heard a loud thud from the roof. However, Demyx didn't think much of it. After all, the Weight Room was just above his head and Lexaeus was well known for dropping the occasional sixteen ton weight every once in a while.

Demyx realized that this was _not_ of Lexaeus' doing, however, when a sheep fell out of the sky just by the window.

Clearly Vexen was involved in this. It's always Vexen, isn't it?

"Dem, did you see a sheep fall from the sky?" Axel asked as he entered the room, his peridot eyes showing his confusion.

"Then I'm not going insane." Demyx responded.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but you're right." Axel said. "Let's go to the Roof."

"Okay." Demyx nodded.

VIII and IX left the Game Room and went up several flights of stairs before finding themselves on the Roof. Millions (and I mean that quite literally) of sheep were falling out of the sky, looking quite strange indeed.

"Holy fuck, its raining sheep." Axel said in a horrified voice.

"I see I'm not the only one who noticed."

Saïx stepped out onto the Roof, his ochre eyes on the raining sheep before him.

"Saïx, what's going on?" Demyx asked, his eyes confused.

"I have no idea." Saïx said. "I was just about to ask you two the same question."

"I bet Vexen's behind this." Axel said at once. "He's always doing stupid stuff like that."

"Be that as it may, I think we should alert the Superior about this." Saïx said.

"Saïx, if he doesn't know about this, then there's something wrong with him." Axel said blatantly, for Axel is never known for sugar-coating things.

"But you know how the Superior can get, Axel." Demyx whispered to the pyro.

"You do _not _insult the Superior, Demyx." Saïx hissed angrily.

"You just don't like it because he's your boyfriend." Axel grinned.

"That has nothing to do with it." Saïx snapped. "I'll get Roxas up here to help get rid of the sheep."

"Say wha?" Axel questioned.

"You three will try to keep as many sheep from hitting the ground as you can." Saïx said.

"That's crazy, Saïx!" Demyx exclaimed.

"For once, I agree with him. That's, like, nine leagues of insanity!" Axel nodded. "There's no way we can stop that many sheep!"

And with that, Axel gestured to the trillions of sheep that were falling out of the sky, baaing away.

"No, but you'll have to until I get Vexen to stop this thing." Saïx said before turning on his heel and walking off the Roof.

"I think Saïx has officially lost it." Axel said, setting random sheep on fire.

"I quite agree with you." Demyx said. "How's this going to work, anyway?"

"What do you mean?" Axel frowned, peridot eyes on the Melodious Nocturne.

"We have contrasting elements." Demyx said as he summoned his sitar. "How are we going to get rid of all these sheep?!"

"Well, you trap a few in a bubble and drown them." Axel shrugged. "I'll just throw my chakram at them."

"That's what you do all the time." Demyx glared at the fire manipulator before turning back to the sheep.

"What's going _on_ up here?"

Demyx and Axel turned and saw Roxas walking onto the Roof, Oblivion at his side.

"I don't know why Saïx sent you up here." Axel said before turning back to the sheep in question. "You don't have a long ranged weapon."

"Maybe I'm meant to throw my Keyblade at the sheep and summon it back once it hits the ground?" Roxas shrugged.

"Just keep us company, babe." Axel smiled.

"That's all I ever do." Roxas sighed, standing between VIII and IX.

"But you're good for company." Axel said as he torched a sheep.

"Axel, there's a purple sheep out there." Demyx said, sounding slightly alarmed.

"And orange, and pink with silver polka-dots, and blue with brown stripes..." Roxas started listing the obscure colourings of the sheep.

"This is Vexen we're dealing with." Axel shrugged. "There's always some random shit going on with him."

"Why can't he be normal for once?" Roxas sighed.

"Because Vexen feels a compulsive need to be ridiculous." Axel said. "What else is new?"

* * *

"Vexen, what the _hell _did you _do?!_"

Xemnas stormed into the Lab, his anger metre just about reaching dangerous proportions. He found the Chilly Academic at the Lab Table with a sperm whale in front of him.

"Vexen..." Xemnas said slowly. "What is _that_?"

"Well, it would appear to be a sperm whale, Superior." Vexen said with biting nonchalance.

"And _why_ do you have a sperm whale on the Lab Table?" Xemnas asked.

"Because I'm working on mutating it with a tree frog?" Vexen's response sounded like a question.

"Well, you _should_ be working on getting the sky to _stop raining sheep_!" Everyone knows to head for the hills when Xemnas starts yelling.

Vexen was apparently oblivious to the recent predicament that had befallen the World That Never Was. The emerald eyes were confused as IV asked, "What are you talking about, Superior?"

"You're telling me that you don't know that it's raining sheep?" Xemnas raised an eyebrow in surprise.

"I think I'd know if it was raining sheep, Superior." Vexen said.

"Saïx sent Demyx and Axel up to the Roof to stop them." Xemnas said. "Just look out the window, Vexen!"

After a second of hesitation, Vexen crossed the room to the window and peeked outside. What he saw shocked and horrified him.

And no, it wasn't Xigbar doing the Cotton Eye Joe on the front lawn while wearing a hula skirt.

Still, that'd be quite interesting, huh?

Sheep were dropping like flies, something that obviously shouldn't be happening. What Vexen found confusing was why the sheep were different colours. Millions of Suffolk sheep were falling out of the sky, their wool strange colours like maroon and mauve.

"Um, why is it raining sheep, Superior?" Vexen questioned.

"I was kind of hoping you'd be able to tell me that." Xemnas said with a hint of agitation in his voice.

"Perhaps this has something to do with my weather machine." Vexen mused.

"Well, let's hope so." Xemnas said. "Axel's been on my case about it for a while now."

"Axel's always on your case about something." Vexen said.

Without further ado, IV traipsed across the room and stood in front of the gargantuan weather machine.

"And what are you doing, Vexen?" Xemnas asked. "Please don't make it hail goats next."

"Have a little faith, Superior." Vexen looked appalled. "I'm actually quite capable of doing something worthwhile."

"Well, that's certainly news to me." Xemnas said, sounding very surprised.

After glaring at Xemnas, Vexen turned back to the weather machine, pushed a few buttons and raced to the window.

"This had better have worked, Vexen." Xemnas said.

"It has!" Vexen exclaimed.

"Thank goodness for that." Xemnas said. "Now I must meet with Saïx about mission assignments."

"If you say so, Superior." Vexen said as he turned to an experiment in which he was meant to personify a wooden spoon.

* * *

"So interesting day today?"

Vexen and Marluxia were in Marluxia's room after enjoying some "quality time" with each other, if you catch my meaning. If you can't, then there's something seriously wrong with you.

"Well, it rained sheep." Vexen shrugged. "How can it not be interesting?"

"My tomatoes tried to attack the hydrangeas this morning." Marluxia said, as if this was nothing out of the ordinary, which it probably wasn't.

"I thought you told them not to do that?" Vexen frowned, getting out of bed and pulling on his cloak.

"Since when do they listen?" Marluxia sighed. "At least the ageratums have stopped killing the daisies."

'"Yes, that's rather fortunate." Vexen said. "How long will Larxene be gone on her mission?"

"She's meant to be gone for a week." Marluxia said, propping himself up with his elbow.  
"Excellent." Vexen grinned. "So same time tomorrow?"

"Do you even have to ask?" Marluxia asked.

"Not really." Vexen said. "Still, I might not feel up to it tomorrow."

"Oh, why not?" Marluxia looked surprised.

"I'm meant to work on bringing a butcher knife to life tomorrow." Vexen said. "I might be chasing it all over God's creation."

"Or Xemnas' creation." Marluxia laughed.

"Fair enough." Vexen shrugged.

"Well, just let me know." Marluxia said.

"Oh, I'll probably feel up to it." Vexen said. "As long as something ridiculous like the sky raining sheep doesn't happen."

**My grandpa actually has sheep. ^_^ So I hope the story was okay. I just finished writing it this morning when I should have been eating lunch. Ah well. Let me know if you want anything written. Just PM me and we'll work it out. Hope everyone had a great holiday, whatever one you celebrate. Reviews equal love! Xero out!**


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